|YOU'RE A THLOVENLY HOUTHEKEEPER!|
Wednesday is my day off. I love me a Wednesday like seniors love a free McCain pie. This past fall, I decided Senioritaville only needed me for four days a week. As you can imagine, this change in schedule sent some of the seniors into what's commonly known as a tizzy. "Oh Stacy, I came downstairs yesterday but your door was closed. Do you know, did the mail come?" Um...I'm not sure, due to the fact that I was not here. If only there was some sort of key you could use to open your mailbox and check... "Well, it's just that some got their KFC coupons yesterday and some didn't, dear, so I was just wondering."
I was becoming a bit crusty. It was clear I needed to spend some time apart from the seniors. I found myself saying things like, "Oh, that young fellow sure has a lot of gumption!" and " My goodness Jordana, your slacks need a good pressing." This began to frighten me.
So, dear, dear Wednesday it was... One day a week would be Plenty of Time. I would concentrate on a couple more contracts. I would play more music. I would bake things! But first...I would clean the house. You see, I hate housework. I hate it. Unfortunately, I like a clean house and I can do NO OTHER THING until the things around me appear tidy or at least are behind a closed door. Do you see the conundrum here?
Now don't even suggest I hire someone, I'm far too cheap for that. Besides, I've tried it before. Do you know how much time it takes to clean your house before the cleaning lady arrives? The conversation is always basically the same. "Oh, do you really want to start in the kid's bathroom, Molly??" I would shout, as I barricaded the doorway with my body. "Why don't you just sit down for a while; start with a coffee!!" (This is called a Stall Tactic. It gave me time to go flush the toilet and scrape the gobs of dried toothpaste off the faucets.) I quit for good when one of the Mollys used a stinky mop to wash the floor. Welcome Home! Your house smells like a wet mutt...
Normally, I can multi-task with the best of them. Like any mother, I can make lunches, sign a permission slip, Febreeze smelly gym shoes and build a castle out of sugar cubes all at the same time. When I try to do this with housework, however, I become Completely Overwhelmed. The sheer number of things I have to tackle swallows up my Wednesday and I end weeping on the laundry room floor trying to understand where the socks went. The Housekeeping ADD usually begins in the kitchen when I start to put away the breakfast mess:
- Open fridge to put milk away. Observe what time and science does to leftovers. Gotta clean fridge. Take everything out of fridge. This is gonna take a while. Better get a load of laundry going while I do this.
- Go to laundry room, throw in a load. Take clothes out of dryer, dump them onto my bed, start to fold. Gawd this is boring. Ooh! I should make buns! I better get them started right now if they are going to done before the kids get home. Mother. Of. The.Year.
- Go to kitchen...um...ya....put everything back in fridge as there will be no counter space to make buns. The kids can clean the damn fridge. Look for bun recipe. Can't open recipe book, as pages have become hopelessly glued together with dried cake batter. Screw the buns.
- Go back to bedroom. What a mess. Put all unfolded clothes back in laundry basket. There, that looks tidier.
- On to kid's bathroom. Notice that there are various assorted items on vanity that do not belong. Retrieve a cheerio, a sock, a AA battery and a soggy Tylenol. Why are these things in the bathroom? Of course I can't throw this perfectly good battery without it being tested.
- Go to junk drawer to get the battery tester....Big. Mistake. Never open the junk drawer on your day off....
Eventually though, after much needless wandering from room to room, everything that needs to be done gets done. sometimes... sort of... never... Maybe Molly has a opening next Wednesday.