All-Inclusive, no problem...

 Hey, lots of you know that I am involved with a music society based in Saskatoon.  We are very cool.  You can find out more about us here. Consequently, we've met a lot of fascinating musicians, who I like to call friends and we like to keep in touch via Facebook.  Several of our friends live in the musical mecca of Asheville.  That's right, I said Asheville, not Nashville.  It's in North Carolina, do yourself a favour and check it out. If you haven't heard the likes of Dehlia Low and Town Mountain, leave your rock and do so immediately. 

I need to take this opportunity to tease because according to Facebook, Ashevillians are not receiving the sort of winter they would like. Unseasonable warm temperatures have caused some of them to gripe about the spring-like conditions they are experiencing in January.  "This weather is disturbing." "I miss winter!"  "I agree! I want snow, not spring", they chorused. 
I replied that I had a fair amount of snow I was willing to part with, and we could decide on a price later.  This got me thinking that maybe I was missing out on a golden business opportunity.  What if we ran all-inclusive winter vacations to Saskatchewan?  Betcha we could haul in quite a few unsuspecting southerners who are looking for that authentic winter experience.

It would all begin at the airport where guests will be greeted enthusiastically and issued their winter gear; a snow suit (something old school that zips from the bottom of one pant leg all the way to the throat), a Co-op Feeds toque, and a pair of Kamiks two sizes too big, in order to accommodate at least two pair of wool socks.  We’ll hand them a double-double and the keys to their rental pickup so they can experience the joy of winter driving…in Saskatoon.   Guests can choose from any of the following amazing packages:

The ‘It’s Snow Wonder’ Package
You’ll experience Saskatchewan winter just like a local, as you become the Snow Angel for a whole city block.  Grab a shovel and start clearing!  Unfortunately, there won’t be time to check into your hotel first, the City is watching! Won’t this be fun?  Too bad you didn’t upgrade to the Snow Blower package! 

The Ski-doo Rally Package
We’ll make the trek to Anywhere, SK for their annual community snowmobile rally.  Guests will be placed on the back of various snowmobiles, given their own flask of Cherry Whiskey and taught to hang on for dear life.  They will end the night with a complimentary bowl of chili and a bottle of Pil at the community hall.  Purchasing an arm’s length of 50/50 tickets is not mandatory, but it is encouraged.  We don’t want to be seen as cheap visitors, now do we? 

The Minor Hockey Game Package

We’ll spend the night in Anywhere at one of the well-appointed small town hotels available to us.  We’ll attend a Minor Hockey League tournament.  Guests will receive a complimentary rink burger and will be encouraged to try and eat it with their mitts on.  Witness a real ‘Hockey Mom’ in action as she berates the ref and her husband starts a fist fight in the stands.  Guests will be given a pair of skates and be asked to scrape the ice at intermission. 

The Culinary Package

We'll spend time in a real Saskatchewan kitchen and use all the seasonal ingredients available to us…potatoes, canola oil and the last jar of beet pickles.  Oh yeah, and some lentils.  Maybe you know what to do with them, because we don’t. 

The Curling Package

Guests will be introduced to the fast-paced world of curling.  They will be given 4 rye & cokes, a broom and a pair of shoes with a piece of Crazy Carpet attached to the bottom of one sole.  They must sign a waiver preventing them from asking too many questions.

If this interests any of you folks south of the border, now is a good time to come.  With the windchill factored in, the last two days have been close to -40 degrees Celsius.  Lucky for you, that's easy to understand, as it's equivalent to -40 Farenheit and yes, you read that right. 

It's a Spring Thing

Winter on the Canadian Prairies is like a bad houseguest who says he is leaving in April, but decides to use your place as a bed & breakfast for "a couple more days".  You think he's gone, so you wash the sheets and re-claim the spare bedroom, but then you come home from work one day, and he's laying shirtless on your couch, eating Nutella straight from the jar.

I was not blessed with the best memory, but I swear that spring was different when I was a kid.  Suddenly, it was warm and it stayed warm! As I recall it, one day the sun came out, the arena closed, all the snow melted, and it smelled like spring.  That smell meant it was time for two things:  Your rubber boots and your bike.

When we were kids, rubber boots were rubber boots.  They were all the same.  No pretty pink hearts or checkered prints with buckles, no...they were black with a strange peachy/orange coloured trim.  All of them.  If you had green ones, you were either pushing the envelope or you were a foreigner.  Everyone took a black marker, and wrote their name in their standard issue black rubber boots.  Sometimes your cousin’s name was already in the boots, so you had to cross it out and write your own name.  You then wore them to school and put them on the shelf in the Boot Room.  The Boot Room had a terribly unpleasant aroma because all the kids had gone out the night before and gotten a “bootful” and this, coupled with the fact that every kid had the exact same pair of boots, should have been considered permission for teachers to carry a hip flask.

Rubber boots were tested in the first mud puddles of the season. That's right, tested. Why? Rubber boots ended up with holes in them.  How did that happen?  I have no idea...I can't think of a more industrial grade material than rubber boots, but you knew as soon as you stepped into that puddle and felt the cold water seep into your sock, you knew. You knew that tomorrow your mom would make you go to school with the dreaded BREAD BAGS lining your boots. Shameful. 

Bikes were also standard issue.  Oh sure, the odd banana bike or 10 speed would make an appearance in our town, but any old bike represented freedom to us. When my daughter was about 11, we went to a fancy bike store just because it was nearby.  The guy asked us what we wanted in terms of gears, and tire width, etc.  What?  My bike at that age had pedals and handle bars.  What it did not have was a chain guard, consequently almost ruining my best pair of  fortrel bell bottoms when they became hopelessly stuck in the chain.  Did I complain?  No.  My mother simply gave me a rubber sealer ring to tame the flaring fabric and off I went.  Kids have not had to worry about their pants getting  caught in a bike chain for 25 years now.  Instead they are so confused by what gear to select that they park their bike in the garage, and return to the basement to play video games.

Even the biking accidents weren't so bad in hindsight.  Most weren't terribly memorable, but one fine spring evening, I was riding my bike on the sidewalk across from my house.  Back in the day, some people fenced their front yards, as was the case with our neighbour, who had a LUNATIC for a dog.  So I'm riding along the fence, minding my own beeswax when Flash appears out of nowhere barking his evil face off and matching my pace from behind the fence.  I go all wobbly, my handlebar with the cool plastic streamer gets caught between two of the pickets and I am launched unceremoniously, ass over teakettle, into the ditch.  Thank goodness for the Avon lady, who was driving by.  She stopped and picked me up and helped me limp over to my mother, who helped me retrieve several pebbles out of my knee.  They tell me I was one of the lucky ones, as I was not even wearing a BIKE HELMET!!

So enough of this gloomy windy rain already. I am ready for sunny spring evenings.  Who's up for a game of Anti-I-Over??  If you know what that means, leave me a comment!